In breaking news, Fitzroyalty reports that peace has been restored at the Safeway supermarket on Smith St, Fitzroy, by Dutch peacekeeping troops flown in over the weekend. Local citizens had been scared and defenceless against the psychological torture they suffered in the supermarket, which has cordoned off a large area of the fruit and vegetable section, rearranged all the shelves and introduced new swirly green branding.

torture UN condemns supermarket psychological torture

Over the weekend normally placid middle aged housewives were seen jostling trolleys and accusing each other of blocking the isle and stealing the last jar of kalamata olives. A bear couple from the local gay community was heard bickering about whether stay together or split up in search of the tomato sauce required for their Australia Day long weekend BBQ. The unexpected conflict has been blamed on the stress caused by the supermarket’s sudden shelf rearrangement.

Local, state and federal government representatives blamed each other for mismanaging the situation. As a last resort, desperate citizens had called the United Nations for help. Once it confirmed the citizens were rich and white, the UN responded quickly and flew the Dutch troops half way around the world to restore peace. In their pragmatic Dutch way they quickly surveyed the terrain, produced new maps and began guiding trembling locals to the vegemite and baked beans.

In the US, president Obama and secretary of state Clinton praised the international cooperation that resolved the tense situation. Prime minister Rudd spoke at length about the conflict but news editors could not get a coherent 10 second soundbite from his press conference, so his message only reached the 357 people who watch the late night SBS news.

A minor issue emerged when the supermarket ran out of Dutch Remia Fritessaus, and the troops became concerned at the idea of eating their chips with German Thomy Delikatess Mayonnaise. A supermarket spokesperson said fresh supplies were being rushed from an outer suburban warehouse.

The UN condemned what it said was an unnecessary attack on the rights of consumers. It said the supermarket’s written statement, claiming that the changes would benefit the community, was misleading.

There was one positive outcome to these stressful circumstances. One father, who did not want to be identified, said his routine Saturday shopping trip had been made easier by the chaos. He said his children normally nagged him to buy lollies, but they had been silenced and dumbfounded by the rearrangement of the shelves, had not been able to find the lollies and had become quiet and well behaved.

UN condemns supermarket psychological torture

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